why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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