i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
