Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize