The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's shark week go big or go home
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
