spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize