Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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