I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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