So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
