Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
