Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
