I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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