I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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