He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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