You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
