I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize