Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
