He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
