20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
