i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
