Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
