As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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