someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
