Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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