I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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