dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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