Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
