My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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