my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
