need another drink. this is the easiest way
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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