chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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