Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
