Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
