what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
