my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You may now shotgun with the bride
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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