Porn is love you can see.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
