a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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