the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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