Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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