My nipple is on Facebook.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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