Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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