Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
