New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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