i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
