I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
