Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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