you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
