I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We have started to decorate penises.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
