The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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