I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
