I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
