he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
