It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
