I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
