Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize