and you said cock pushups were impossible
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
