I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
