...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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