My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
