My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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