if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
